I’ve Been in a Git Merge Conflict Longer Than Some Relationships
A spicy look at branching, merging, and emotional damage
Some relationships end because of communication issues.
Some because of trust issues.
Mine?
Because of Git merge conflicts.
If you’ve ever spent longer trying to fix a Git conflict than you did texting your ex back, you already know:
Git doesn’t just break code.
It breaks spirits.
So buckle up for a spicy, emotional journey through branching trauma, merge conflict heartbreak, and why resolving HEAD vs. incoming changes sometimes feels more complicated than your last situationship.
Branching: The Honeymoon Phase
Ah, branching.
Everything feels possible.
The world is your feature branch.
You start clean.
You feel organized.
You tell yourself, "This time will be different."
You make a feature branch like a responsible adult:
You’re feeling ✨ optimistic ✨.
You write code. You commit frequently.
You even push to remote with cute, clear messages like “add login flow” and “fix signup button hover.”
This branch is your happy place.
Until it’s not.
The Merge Conflict: The Betrayal
One day, you decide it’s time to merge.
You proudly type:
And Git—your once-loyal sidekick—looks you dead in the eyes and says:
CONFLICT (content): Merge conflict in src/components/Form.js
And just like that, your peaceful, perfect branch is a war zone.
Two HEADS. One heart. No survivors.
You didn’t ask for this conflict.
You didn’t want this pain.
You were just trying to update a form.
The Emotional Damage
Here’s what a Git merge conflict feels like, emotionally:
Stage 1: Confusion.
"Wait, what even changed here? I swear this was fine yesterday."Stage 2: Denial.
"It’s just a small conflict. I’ll fix it in like five minutes."
(Spoiler: You will not.)Stage 3: Bargaining.
"Maybe if I manually copy-paste everything and close my eyes while committing, it’ll be fine?"Stage 4: Anger.
"WHO DECIDED TO REFACTOR THE ENTIRE FILE WHILE I WAS GONE??"Stage 5: Acceptance.
"Okay. Deep breath. We’ll resolve it. One line at a time."
Meanwhile, you’re stuck reading lines like:
and feeling like a rejected contestant on Love Island.
Longer Than Some Relationships
There’s nothing like being two hours into a merge conflict, Googling "how to survive Git hell," and realizing you’ve spent more emotional energy on this than you did on your last breakup.
At least with relationships, there are playlists and ice cream.
With Git, all you get is:
Broken imports
Merge markers haunting your dreams
A growing sense that the real conflict was inside you all along
Git is powerful.
Git is necessary.
Git is also a toxic ex who gaslights you into thinking the problem is you.
But here’s the truth:
You will survive the merge conflict.
You will emerge stronger.
You will commit again—with boundaries this time.
And one day, when another junior dev cries over their first "CONFLICT (content)" message, you’ll smile sadly, hand them a rubber duck, and say:
"It’s not you.
It’s Git."
